From the Belly of the Beast

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I have never understood the concept of gas stoves.

I remember having multiple conversations with people about the “superiority” of gas over electric. All they could ever say was “I hate electric. You have way more control with a gas oven.”

More often than not, they were referring to those electric eyes which would either take forever to heat up and cool down, or would jump between the extreme temperatures of “off” and “heat of a thousand suns”. In my book, a little rigidity is a small price to pay in exchange for the 0% risk factor of almost blowing up your house.

Yes I love my flat, glass-top, easy-clean electric ovens and stovetops. For this domestic goddess, they have been an ever present source of comfort and utility…until now, as I settle in to my new gas-powered abode – and I regret ever taking them for granted.

There I was, one fine November morning, making myself a cup of coffee in my percolator on the front burner, when the oven spontaneously combusted.

It literally exploded, my dears. Exploded.

A fiery blast issued forth from the belly of the beast; the once dormant appliance became, in a moment, an explosive volcano…An electric oven never would have betrayed me so.

But thank God for long pants and a healthy heart. I retreated a fair distance away, unscathed, and called our repairman who came to take a look at it. When he arrived, he recreated the scenario (because who trusts the word of a woman – regarding kitchen appliances, no less?), turning on the same burners as I had going before. We stepped back, exchanged small talk for five minutes, and just when he was going to call it quits, it exploded again.

His advice for me until he could bring a replacement was, “Yeah, don’t use that.”

What I did not say in reply was, “No shit, Sherlock.”

Needless to say, I did not enjoy a cup of coffee that day, and still maintain that electric is safer. I survived off of dry foods like tahin w-selan for almost a week after, until the replacement came. So far it seems to have a much better temperament than its predecessor, which is good because dragons do not tolerate any ferocious fire-breathing behavior but their own.

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The ranch’s repairman escorting the demonic appliance off the premises.

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